Johnny Funcheap El Cheapo Detective

What's your most embarrassing SF moment? Whenever people find out I'm originally from Los Angeles.

Where would you have your last meal on earth? Hook me up with the spaghetti and giant meatballs from Emmy's Spaghetti Shack. They allow leftovers in hell, right?

Where do you get your city gossip? Reading the SF Chronicle over people's shoulders on Muni – too cheap to have my own subscription.

What's your go-to date place? As long as it's warm, the terraced back garden of Wild Side West in Bernal Heights. There are some wonderfully hidden make-out nooks where you can get a snog.

Where's your own secret spot? Miyako Old Fashioned Ice Cream on Fillmore. This Willy-Wonka-ish candy shop and ice cream parlor is run by, perhaps, the nicest man you will ever meet – you'll hear a lot of pleasant and polite "Thank you, Sir"s and "What would you like, Ma'am?"s.

What's your favorite San Francisco institution? Dolores Park – please don't shut the whole park down during renovation!

What would you change about San Francisco? Turn up the heat, man!