Better, Bay Area Alternatives to Thanksgiving

Personal favorite: throw turkeys at all the things the right wing hates

Illustration by Sonny Ross

Much like your conservative relatives, the holidays are here for the next few weeks, and there’s no escaping them. You’ll make it through with a little determination and enough “fun activities” to keep everyone’s head spinning so they don’t ask any questions about your lack of a partner or whether or not you miss “that Obama fellow.” Here are a few tried and true must-dos as well as some that no one has tried yet—but hey, you could be the first!

Indigenous People’s Sunrise Gathering (Unthanksgiving)

If you’re looking to challenge your own biases about a holiday that essentially glorifies a fictional narrative used to gloss over the continued and systematic oppression of this continent’s first nations, then consider attending the Indigenous People’s Sunrise Gathering at Alcatraz on Thanksgiving morning. Boats leave the Alcatraz dock starting at 4:45 a.m. for a ceremony and a gathering on Alcatraz Island. It’s open to anyone who wants to attend, and tickets go fast, so get yours beforehand. It’s worth the early wake-up call on a holiday to educate yourself first and foremost, but you’ll get bonus satisfaction out of pissing off Aunt Linda, who’s had the same pilgrim salt and pepper shakers for 30 years, and she will not part with them, no matter what the lady with the microphone says.

Survive Black Friday

You weren’t going to do it this year. You were going to stay home, eat leftovers and maybe indulge in a little televised sporting event or something. But then it occurred to you that if you skipped Black Friday, you’d have to do Cyber Monday, and that means that the robot overlords running Amazon will win. Son of a — so gather your fliers, your coupons and your email offers. Tie your children together with one those “safety lines” people use for field trips that’s really just a leash for humans, and get out there. It’s an ugly world of lines, shopping cards and angry women with the Kate Gosselin haircut demanding to see managers. But someone has to keep brick-and-mortar franchises as the last line of defense against the ever-increasing infiltration of the great Amazon machine. And…