How Dating Men in Their 30s Compares to Dating Middle-School Boys

They say human brains are fully developed around age 25, but I’m not sure if that applies to the brains of most of the men I’ve dated. On the basis of behavior and maturity levels, it seems like their brains went “I’m all set, brah” around 12 or 13. Hey, it’s a great age for video-game prowess, but not so great for relating to the opposite sex (I’m speaking of cis hetero males here, as that is my purview).

Upon comparing notes with my informal research team of lady friends, I discovered that there are a frightening number of similarities between the men we’re dating as adults and the boys we dated as tweens. And it goes far beyond their mutual affinity for pizza rolls.

Embracing your inner child is a wonderful thing, but if your inner child is still on Algebra 1 and Sailor Moon porn, it might be time to level up. Just sayin’.

Anyway, here’s a list of some of the best/most terrifying comparisons between dating thirtysomething men and boys in middle school:

• They each have a favorite cup they liked to drink out of because it has a superhero on it. In fact, the go-to cup of one adult dude I dated was the one he got in a Happy Meal when he was 12.
• They both love to talk about how intense their previous relationship was, whether it involved getting prematurely engaged or holding hands under the bleachers for four recesses in a row until their “girlfriend” called it off.
• Both have one regular day a week when they do nothing but play video games in a dark room for at least seven hours, and there are “no girls allowed.”
• Neither knows how to dress in the summertime. The MSBs (middle-school boys) still wear the cargo shorts their moms bought for them from Lord + Taylor two years ago. So do the thirtysomething dudes.
• One thirtysomething dude cyber-stalked his middle-school girlfriend and systematically hate-liked/unliked photos of her and her husband — this is the same girl he broke up with in middle school for “having no tits.”
• If they had to get married, neither would settle for anything less than a replica of the fictitious princess — or princess adjacent — whom they deem the hottest (see Anna or Elsa from Frozen, Jasmine from Aladdin, and Arwen from The Lord of the Rings).
• It’s impossible to get either of them to write a thank-you note.
• When you’re invited to sleep over, they both make it clear that it’s a huge deal that doesn’t happen very often.
• Their fantasy-football league is very, very serious and important to them, and you’re an asshole if you make fun of it.
• Public farting is a favorite pastime, but when you did it, they never let you live it down.
• There’s a secret box they keep hidden in their closet that you’ll be aggressively yelled at for even asking about.
• Messy doesn’t begin to describe their bedrooms. If you pick up one item of clothing from a pile, chances are very high that it carries an unidentifiable stain. In the MSB’s bedroom, however, there will likely be more candy wrappers and DC Universe figurines on the floor.
• They both hate it when you talked smack about their moms, but the thirtysomething dudes get extra prickly when you criticize her voting tendencies.
• They’re terrified of commitment, whether that means settling down with the right girl or committing to middle-school lacrosse just because MSB’s buddy Jason already signed up.
• Whenever they go away for several days (bachelor party, sports camp, etc.), they always come back with at least one prominent injury and an absurdly long story of how they got it.
• If you turn them down for a date, they verbally abuse you within an inch of your life. Alternatively, they treat you like you never existed to begin with.
• They always get their hair cut way too short.
• If you ask either of them to do even the smallest task, you’re immediately compared to their mom. Granted, the thirtysomething might say, “Okay, Mom,” while the MSB screams, “You’re not my mom!” but it comes from the same place.
• Bathroom time for them is sacred and endless, and that will never change.