Thirst traps. They’re the cornerstone of Instagram, or really any platform where not-so-subtle photos of strategically positioned body parts can be flaunted. We’ve all set them. We’ve all fallen victim to them.
They’re just sexy little Easter eggs that make us go “OOH!” when we stumble upon them during regular scrolling time, right? Sure, if you want to be prosaic about it. But thirst traps can also be gateways to dark and sinister things — like finding out your CrossFit trainer doesn’t wipe down the gym mats after having sex with you (and likely many others) on them.
Now, obviously not everyone who sets a thirst trap is a disgusting monster only looking to lure you in for an afternoon quickie so he can call it a “training session” and subsequently bill you for it. In fact, most people are just hopeful the mirror shot of their newly visible pelvic muscles (thanks to Bikram yoga and that aggressive bacterial infection) will garner some extra likes — and perhaps even a few fire emojis.
So, how can you tell the difference between the (mostly) benign thirst traps and the ones that lead to a barrage of booty calls, false promises, and an unseemly rash? If you’re talking about cis hetero male traps (which I am), the clues are usually hidden in plain sight and less obvious than the Ludwig filter.
Here are several things to watch out for while scrolling through a thirst trapper’s feed.
At least every third photo on his Insta captures some aspect of his musculature (most often his ab-ulature) in full flex.
He posts way more mirror shots than selfies. If you ask why, he says something like, “Selfies don’t give you ‘the full effect.’”
He’s still sporting a sexy pout in group photos with friends and family, even if it’s his three-year-old niece’s birthday party and there’s a life-size Peppa Pig in the background.
You can count every happy trail hair he’s got, but you can’t recall ever seeing a photo of his apartment. Or his mother.
Fitness and gym shots clutter his feed. In fact, he probably has a dedicated #GymLife story that’s just clips of his arms, legs, and butt moving weights up and down.
He has his arm around a woman in a number of his photos, but it’s unclear whether she’s his sister, girlfriend, or wife.
There’s the occasional photo of Patrick Bateman from American Psycho in his feed labeled “#misunderstood.”
Instagram has taken down at least 10 of his photos because the outline of his penis was too clearly defined in his skintight briefs.
Based on his post-shower mirror shots (which he posts at least once a week), he doesn’t own a single full-sized towel.
In the photos of his face, it’s clear he’s taken cues from Netflix’s You and mastered Joe Goldberg’s “am I just hot, or am I a serial killer?” stare.
He appears to have female friends, but again, he’s always in the photos he posts of them, and the photos are always angled ever so slightly more in his direction.
A number of his posts appear to be homages to Justin Bieber.
He’ll comment on your photos (usually on your thirst-trap attempts) with a kiss emoji or a come-hither-look emoji.
There are numerous photos on his feed of him doing manly stuff like fishing, rock climbing, or playing ball sports with other men, all of which he just happens to do with his shirt off.
He likes to show off his softer, feminine side — like demonstrating what his naked delts look like while he’s baking cookies with his niece or walking his poodle, Cristopher.
If he doesn’t already have tattoos, he’s taken up-close shots of every well-toned part of his body where he thinks one should go.
If he does have tattoos, they’re usually of a wave, a tree, or a Sanskrit letter he thinks means “strength” or “love.”
He doesn’t own a pair of pants that hit above where his pelvic V starts.
He only follows hot Insta models and yogis named after flowers.
If any quotes show up on his page, they’re either Pablo Neruda or lifted from a sneaker commercial.
If he’s not currently a trainer at a gym, he has been or aspires to be.
His name is Dave, Justin, or Mike.
