I Spent a Month On Religious Dating Websites, and I Did Not Get #Blessed

Illustration by Julia Barzizza

I usually describe my religion as “Jewish, heavy on the –ish.” (Read: I will not go to services or fast on Yom Kippur, but I will swing by your breaking-the-fast party and bring some schmear.)

But during a dating dry spell that’s longer (and dryer) than Moses’s 40 days of wandering in the desert, I agreed when The Bold Italic asked me to check out some popular religious dating apps and sites. So I spent a month on JSwipe, dharmaMatch, Atheist Passions and Christian Mingle.

I did not meet the religious (or spiritual, or atheist) man of my dreams, but I did laugh — a lot. And I scored one late-night invitation to come over to someone’s house in my pajamas, which I declined.

“Nice” Jewish boy he was not. DTF he was. (Unless he ACTUALLY did want to movie and cuddle, but the “Lol” makes me think not.)

Christian Mingle

I’ve always wanted to celebrate Christmas. It sucks to be one of the only kids in your elementary school not getting a visit from Santa, and it still sucks as an adult. So when Christian Mingle asked me to fill out what I thought being a Christian means in my bio, I immediately thought of Christmas and filled that in.

I didn’t think I’d have much luck on a site that asked me for my favorite Bible passage. I didn’t have one, so I chose the Old Testament instead. (Hey, it was the one covered in Hebrew school!) My Christian friends informed me that choosing a whole book wasn’t technically a passage, and that I could go with a popular section like “Love is patient, love is kind,” but that brought back too many memories of a dying Mandy Moore in A Walk to Remember.

I chose a profile photo of myself in a Santa onesie. I thought it was thematic. It got approved, as did all my other conservatively dressed photos. Christian Mingle had to approve my bio and photos before they went public.