Ladies, I Am Your Newest Influencer
(And it’s really very hard work)
Hey, beloved Insta followers! I have some really incredible news to share with you today: I am going to be the newest and hottest and most influential influencer on Instagram.
Yep, little ol’ me, now officially a #styleblogger and #IGinfluencer ready to dole out some serious lifestyle #inspo for you. Let me just tell you that this is not an endeavor I take lightly. It’s an adventure I’ve wanted to embark on for a long time now. Well, ever since last week, when I found out people can charge, like, thousands of dollars for a single social media post and get loads of free shit, I just knew this was something I wanted.
I simply don’t think it’s fair to deprive the world of my influence any longer.
If you were to ask me what really turned me on to being an influencer, it would probably be that so many of my friends already are, and they are always getting clothes and jewelry and Blue Apron meals. Plus, I mean—no offense or anything — but I have much better taste than they do. I simply don’t think it’s fair to deprive the world of my influence any longer.
Of course, my true intention is really all about wanting to help people. For example, the other day I posted something about some cute new Nike sneakers I got, and my friend later messaged me that she bought the same exact Nike sneakers, because she saw that I posted about them and thought they were so cute too. I mean, that just really made me realize how much power I have over others and that I have the opportunity to make their lives better. So I decided to take the leap.
Ladies, I’m so excited to have this little corner of the internet to share my thoughts on love, life, travel, family and brands that I’ve never heard of but that I want you to buy from so I get commission. It’s truly the least I could do for myself and, of course, my fans. Plus, I desperately need this creative outlet. I’m always so busy doing things for other people, like walking my dog and watering my succulents once a year. For once, I’m doing something for me. Because I am worth it.
Nothing does better than home renovations or #vanlife on Instagram. Nothing, that is, except babies. Which is why we need to get a baby ASAP. And probably a puppy. It’s in the best interest of my new career.
I basically already have everything I could possibly need to begin to start a blogging empire. I’ve recently painted my entire home gray, furnished it strictly in midcentury-modern West Elm furniture (#sponcon) and stylized every shelf with brass accents. My hubby is also willing to spend hours taking pictures of me in alleys and cafés, which is just so important for a successful blog.
Speaking of hubby, I sat down with him last night to let him know he has two options: 1) we need to move into a new home in suburbia that we can renovate; or 2) we need to buy a van and do #vanlife. Nothing does better than home renovations or #vanlife on Instagram. Nothing, that is, except babies. Which is why we also need to get a baby ASAP. And probably a puppy. It’s in the best interest of my new career.
Not to brag, but it’s not even going to be hard for me to gain followers. I already have more than 1,000 without even really trying. I spend only about four hours each evening following people so they will follow me back, and then another hour unfollowing them, because I can’t look like I’m trying to get followers, you know? I also comment on other bloggers’ posts so that they do the same for me. It’s like a secret little naughty game we bloggers play. I have a few staple comments I copy and paste, so it’s really easy. Examples: “So stinkin’ pretty, pretty mama!” or “Girlie, your feed is literally SO cute!” or “OMG, you lil bitch, I’m so obsessed with that [insert product]!!!!!”
Starting today, my Instagram is now a business account, and my profile title now reads, “Personal Blog.” Man, this is really happening for me. You bet your cute little butt that any day now I’ll be getting boxes and boxes of goodies from brands who want me to want them. Eek. And then I’ll share them with you to help you. If they pay me enough, that is.
I still have to decide what to put in my Insta bio. Should I use a Bible verse with the praying-hands emoji or my favorite quote about taking risks? Probably the quote—after all, I’m taking one of the biggest risks you can take: to be vulnerable with people on Instagram. My besties think I’m so brave. I told them to all comment about that on my latest post to up my engagement.
OK, now that that’s settled, I just need to get my Insta highlights in order. Wanderlust, for travel. I’m not sure what that means, but it’s definitely travel related—I’ve seen it before. My little family, for pics of my hubs and puppers. Reads, for when I pretend to read books. Because culture.
All in all, at the end of the day, the bottom line is that one thing is clear: the world doesn’t have enough twenty-somethings telling you what kind of mascara they wear or what sweater they bought from the Nordstrom sale or what they got on their Trader Joe’s haul.
It’s also super-important that I create a sellable aesthetic on my feed. I read about it online. I will use my own combo of VSCO, Lightroom, Snapseed, Afterlight, Facetune and Aviary to make sure they all look basically the same as well as completely different than real life. At least my #captiongame is already incredibly strong (I love puns; I use them all the time; and it’s fucking hilarious).
As you can see, I am going to be the hottest new influencer on your feed. I’m truly committed to this new lifestyle. I vow to perfectly curl my hair but tell you I didn’t wash it so that you can properly envy my non-oily scalp. I promise to post pictures of my #Starbs order every day, to be relatable. I promise I’ll share every low-carb meal I consume but won’t share when I eat an entire Domino’s stuffed crust while crying in the bath—unless they sponsor. ;)
All in all, at the end of the day, the bottom line is that one thing is clear: the world doesn’t have enough twenty-somethings telling you what kind of mascara they wear or what sweater they bought from the Nordstrom sale or what they got on their Trader Joe’s haul.
Anyway, it’s been such a whirlwind since I made this decision 24 hours ago, so tonight—with a rush of energy—I reached out to a brand for the first time, the Ritz Carlton, to start a partnership. I crafted an entire email, just to be told by some lame PR rep that my 1,387 followers aren’t enough to get me a free night.
Ugh. Seriously?
Forget it. This is too much work.
Hey! The Bold Italic recently launched a podcast, This Is Your Life in Silicon Valley. Check out the full season or listen to the episode below featuring Alexia Tsotsis, former co-editor of TechCrunch. More coming soon, so stay tuned!
