Satire
In The Bold Italic. More on Medium.
It’s tough work upholding this liberal regime, but someone has to do it
If you only get your news from reputable sources, you might be tricked into believing that California is a thriving state with the fifth-largest economy in the world. Maybe you think this place has beautiful weather, diverse people, and that it dominates industries like technology, manufacturing, entertainment, and agriculture.
Well, you’d be wrong. Fox News has long known the truth — California is a liberal dystopia where chaos reigns, the only culture is cancel culture, and we would rather gorge ourselves on avocado toast than become homeowners.
Here’s what a day in my life looks like in the real Fox…
Just because I came out alive doesn’t mean I’m okay
Hey, everyone. It’s me, Democracy. I know you’ve missed me the past four years — just needed to unplug for a bit. But I’m here to save the day, once again, and thrive in a new administration.
Blah blah blah blah blah.
Not.
Everyone was freaking out about how I was in shambles and was going to collapse, but the moment I try to make a comeback, no one really cares. From the moment President Joe Biden (boy, that feels good to write) put his hand on that Bible, everyone stopped paying attention to me again. And that’s not OK.
…
No, it’s not #SponCon. We just, like, really love Pfizer’s products!
Hey, ladies! It’s me, your favorite quarantine queen, pandemic princess, frugal fashionista, merlot mommy, and 2020 self-titled influencer of the year! I just wanted to hop on Instagram Live real quick. I know you’ve all been asking (in the comments, in my DMs, via email, and some of you even wrote me letters handwritten by candlelight) about where I got the supersoft sweatpants I’ve been wearing all month.
Well, that’s not what we’re here to talk about.
We’ll be finding out what’s inside this large box in front of me — yes, the one right here with the adorable packaging…
Extremely logical pandemic justifications
If you’re willing to go to the grocery store, why stop there? It’s a bit hypocritical that you’ll go get food to live with a mask on but don’t support your city opening up indoor dining again. How does that make sense?
The rules just feel arbitrary. If you go to the grocery store, why not take public transit? …
(Well, what we think he’d say, at least)
Good evening, ingrates.
I’ve been informed that if I want any more prime-time coverage, I have to give a “concession speech.” I imagine this kind of a speech comes equipped with a full concession stand. Anybody want some popcorn? Too bad, you can’t have it. It’s mine.
Anyway, I’m here to say that the Electoral College is racist and completely backward, but it has problems, too. For example, everyone is saying I lost, but I got the most votes out of any president in history. Most of them were against me, but still. …
Supplements to help you de-stress while democracy fails
The current political mood eerily mimics the lead-up to every bad thing you ever read about in 10th-grade history. Despite this, you’ve managed to convince your parents that the Covid-19 vaccine will not contain a microchip allowing Bill Gates to track their mall walks. You donated more money than you can afford to the Black Lives Matter movement. You’ve contacted your senators to plead for mercy for the immigrant children still being cleaved from their parents and held in camps at the border. …
Don’t let the pandemic stop you from publicly expressing your shrewdness
Yelp is one of my all-time favorite innovations because it made one of my favorite hobbies — judging things — public and ostensibly useful. Unfortunately, the quarantine has tamped down on my ability to Yelp, because I’m no longer visiting new vegan restaurants and determining if they are worth my money. The difference between $$ and $$$ is usually a tablecloth or a hot server who smiles a lot, in my opinion.
To blow off some steam like I usually do on Yelp, I’ve decided to recreate the experience by judging the world around me and reviewing the only places…
Just because we’re not in the office doesn’t mean Dave can’t still call his 34-year-old assistant a ‘girl’
You’ve been working from home for a few weeks now, and you’re finally getting into the swing of things. For example, you’ve timed your snack breaks to coincide with your pee breaks (this is easy; just snack every time you pee), and your apartment has never been cleaner — it’s still a mess, but at least all remnants of the Great Burrito Incident of 2017 are finally gone.
One thing feels like it’s missing, though. Oh, right: office sexism. It’s been weeks since you made a woman feel less-than simply for coming into the office, and that’s a drag. …
Methods of mansplaining
All illustrations by Eva Hill
Listen, women clearly want unsolicited feedback from us men, deep down, they just don’t know how to ask for it. In fact, a lady can have a hard time accepting it even when you deliver it extremely calmly to her face (which by the way, would look better with a smile on it). So in order to facilitate this process, I’ve come up with some ways to ease ladies into receiving unsolicited feedback. Gentlemen, listen up!
1. In a vase
All women adore flowers. As a man, I can only assume that what they love about them is the…
I know treating women like people is a lot to ask, but voting blue isn’t
Satire by Ginny Hogan and Hanna Dickinson
It is a gosh-dang, knee-slapping abomination the way powerful men think they can treat women! When I hear of the things that men like Trump have gotten away with, I’m positively sick to my sensitive, constantly inflamed stomach — he thinks he can collude with Russia and Ukraine, lock kids in cages, and rape women? Choose two! If you’re going to sexually abuse women, have the decency to at least be a liberal while doing it.
Sure, it’s wrong what Al Franken did. I wasn’t even all that swayed by the extremely long…
The Bold Italic
Celebrating the free-wheeling spirit of the Bay Area — one sentence at a time.
