The 10 People You’ve Been During the Pandemic
Because no one went out the way they came in
Our pandemic’s about to hit one year. Wow! Can you believe if you got pregnant right at the beginning of quarantine, your baby would now be learning how to read? (I don’t know anything about infants or their development rates.)
Last March feels both like one day and 16 lifetimes ago, and that’s because, over the course of the pandemic, you’ve likely borne a dozen different identities. Actually, if you’re anything like me, you’ve been 17 different species since you started reading this article, but that’s neither here nor there.
Here’s a list of the 10 people you’ve been this quarantine.
1. The Doomsday Prepper
Remember how crowded the Trader Joe’s were? When you thought you might get the last mixed-nut better ever created. (Hint: It’s mostly peanuts — you can make it yourself in a blender.)
Remember stocking up on beans? As if you were going to fend for yourself, instead of Postmating three of your five daily meals? Remember buying a baseball bat in the event that someone broke into your apartment? Yeah, that was all you. You still have the 128-ounce jug of water to prove it, except you’re now using it as a hat rack.
2. The Baker
After the initial shock of quarantine wore off, it was time to get to work. To learn a new skill, to do something unique, fun, original, different, and creative. Boom! I’ve got it. You can do exactly what everyone else on the internet is doing and start baking bread like your life depends on it.
The great thing about this is it’s a win-win: If you fail, you eat less bread.
3. The Optimist
This is who you were a few months into quarantine when you really thought the end was nigh. You convinced yourself you learned so much, changed as a person, you have a whole new perspective, you’re never going to take your mom for granted again, you’ll stop and sniff every flower, and — oh, shoot.
Here comes wave two.
Back into the cave you go.
4. The Exercise Freak
Eventually, your restless energy reached a peak. No, you never enjoyed going to the gym before Covid, but during the interminable shutdown, you began to see the benefit of moving your body just the tiniest amount. So, you turned into a full-on exercise fanatic, which is to say, you started taking one walk/day.
And now you’re a whole new you, or, at the very least, your body doesn’t ache when you stand up from a chair. And honey — that’s progress.
5. The Hibernating Bear
If you didn’t go through a period of the pandemic where you were unable to get out of bed, did you even go through the pandemic? It’s been a terrifyingly long year, and you can’t be expected to be awake for all of it. So, yes, you bought a bottle of melatonin and hibernated through a bit of it. It’s normal.
6. The Activist
It may have taken grip during the protests last summer, or perhaps the seeds were planted earlier, but by October, you were phone-banking for Biden like you could remember the name of Hillary Clinton’s running mate.
Thank goodness he won the election — it would be brutal if you’d had to continue paying attention to the news. Yikes!
7. The Good Friend
Once you got over the election hump, it was time to catch up on some personal affairs. Except… you don’t have any personal affairs, because you’ve been inside your home for almost a year. The only two things on your to-do list are cleaning your dirty dishes and returning your friends’ calls, and you’ve started eating off paper towels, so it’s really just the one. But you’ve still been behind on accepting Nancy’s invitation to Zoom trivia.
No longer, though! Today’s the day you return all of their calls and show them how much you really care. Just remember to check Instagram beforehand, or else you might forget the name of their long-term partner. You know, the one they’ve been with forever. Whose wedding you attended. As the maid of honor. That one.
8. The Real-Pants-Wearer
This lasted 45 minutes. Yoga pants are just as comfortable, once you get past the fact that the name bears little connection to the purpose.
9. The ‘Game of Thrones’ Fanatic
By January, you had no excuse not to start what is often hailed as the greatest show of our time. And you’re glad you watched it before quarantine is over — it’s like a full-time job! After a month spent in Westeros rather than shutdown, it’s finally time for you to deliver your hot take on the finale. And you’re only a few years late!
(SPOILER ALERT: It was bad.)
10. The Resigned Cynic
This is who you are now. We’re never getting out of this.
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