The upcoming inauguration of president-elect Donald Trump almost feels like a dream—or, to put it differently, horrific fan fiction gone wrong. Indeed, the idea of a real estate mogul turned crude reality-TV star running for president would have made a good piece of fan fiction 10 years ago. Yet here we are.
I’m not the biggest fan-fiction fan, but some of these stories starring Trump piqued my interest, especially the crude, unusual and downright strange ones. What better way to wrap up one of the strangest elections our nation has ever seen than by exploring, once again, the weird world of fan fiction?
“In Pursuit of the Obamas”
Characters: Donald Trump and the Obama family
Brief Summary: It is the year 2030, and still-president Donald Trump (?!) has drafted Barack Obama to fight in his newest war against the Middle East. But Barack, trained in various forms of martial arts, plans his escape.
Key Passage:
Then two Schutzstaffel men burst through the former president’s front doors, armed with tasers in case he resisted. “You’ll never take me alive!” Barack yelled defiantly. He reminisced about his past ninjutsu lessons and front-flipped into the pair, knocking them flailing to the ground. “Malia! Sasha! Get your things and meet me at the Washington Monument at 1400 hours!” Barack barked before seizing two Japanese daggers off of the coffee table along with a few tungsten throwing stars. “The Washington Monument” was their code for the Jefferson Memorial. It came in handy for quick getaways.
That is how the Obamas — ferocious Barack, prophetic Michelle and their two spoiled children — became fugitives in the face of the United States of Trump.
“That sounds like a pretty typical accusation thrown around by a young straight misfit.” [Trump] was staring down at me now. His green eyes locking me in and not allowing me to look away.
“I never said I was straight,” I whispered.
“Up in Smoke Gordo Donald Trump”
Characters: Donald Trump and Gordo from Disney’s Lizzie McGuire
Brief Summary: Trump bums a smoke from Gordo, and the two have some serious chemistry.
Key Passage:
“I’m a businessman with a new love for politics.”
“Sounds pretty boring and pretty typical of a white straight male.”
He grinned from ear to ear and stepped a little closer.
“I never said I was straight. That sounds like a pretty typical accusation thrown around by a young straight misfit.” He was staring down at me now. His green eyes locking me in and not allowing me to look away.
“I never said I was straight,” I whispered.
The next few seconds were a blur.
Donald J Trump: Pony Portal
Characters: Donald Trump and the magical ponies from My Little Pony
Brief Summary: After his inauguration, Trump goes through a mysterious portal that brings him to a magical land inhabited by talking ponies. He has sex with one of the ponies and then returns to the United States of Trump, a horribly dystopian, white, Trump-tastic version of the United States.
Key Passage:
As Trump entered the portal, he heard a loud screech and saw a blinding light.
“Oh no,” he said. Donald was scared. But he wasn’t that scared.
Donald then found himself in a giant grassy field. He looked around and felt the cool breeze of an autumn’s wind blow through his majestic blonde hair. “I like this,” he said. Donald then ran toward the nearest building. A barn, of sorts. He ran inside only to see an orange horse working on a pile of hay.
“Weh-yul, hadee that, pardner! Habn’t seen yuj round theez parts, have ah?” said Applejack.
“I’m OK, AJ. I just need to know where I am.” Donald found out AJ’s name because he saw it on the mailbox.
Randomness 7
Characters: Donald Trump, Vince McMahon, Randy Orton, a doctor and a girl with bacon strips hanging out of her mouth
Brief Summary: I … I really don’t really know how to explain this one. Or if there is even a plot or any comprehensible timeline, for that manner. What I managed to collect is that Trump is at the doctor’s office and attempts to fire the doctor with the help of Vince McMahon, and then hires a girl who is the self-proclaimed “Bacon Monster.”
Key Passage:
“Ow,” Donald Trump yelled as the doctor put a needle in his arm for a shot. “YOU’RE FIRED!” he yelled, pointing at him with his good arm.
“Um, you can’t fire me,” the doctor said, confused.
“Too bad. You’re fired!”
“You can’t fire me!” he yelled, his voice cracking.
“You’re fired.”
“You—”
“You’re fired,” he said quickly, interrupting him.
“Yo—”
“Fired!”
“You—”
“FIIIIIREEEED!!!!’’
“You—”
“He said you’re fired, now YYYYYOOOOUUUUURRRRRRR’EEEEE FFFIIIRRRREEEEDDD!” Vince McMahon yelled, running in.
Make Bikini Bottom Rich Again! Vote Mr. Krabs for President 2016!
Characters: Mr. Krabs (the SpongeBob SquarePants version of Donald Trump) and Perch Perkins (reporter)
Brief Summary: Mr. Krabs, a candidate for president of the Seven Seas, promises to make Bikini Bottom rich again. Sound familiar?
Key Passage:
Perch Perkins: Hello, this is Perch Perkins with Bikini Bottom News. We’re here with Mr. Eugene Krabs, who is running for president of the Seven Seas against incumbent leader King Neptune. What makes you qualified to run for president, Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: Well, Perch, I’m rich. I’m the richest crab not only on this planet, but, I guarantee you, in the entire universe. Okay? So obviously, since I’m so rich—and by the way, I’ve made lots of deals. The Krusty Krab, according to Bikini Bottom News Polls, is ranked as the #1 restaurant in the seven seas. Since I’m so good at making money, and believe me, nobody makes more money than I do, not even the freaking fish mafia, okay? I deserve to make even more money for myself and, of course, my voters, but mainly myself, as president. Enough said. Again, I’m gonna be a great president, and we’re all gonna be so rich we won’t even know what we’re gonna to with all our money.”
20 20 in 2020
Characters: Donald Trump
Brief Summary: Trump has just won the 2020 presidential election, and is reflecting on how his role as president has affected his family, friends, fellow politicians and himself. Although this all sounds like dramaaaa that no one wants to hear about, some of the story’s statements eerily portray concerns among the nation today.
Key Passage:
“President Trump! Your speech is in 10. I need you at the left of the podium ASAP!” the supple, doe-eyed intern exclaimed with urgency. Why can’t I remember her name?
She pinned an American flag pendant on the right side of my chest. Her hair was long, sleek and blonde, and she had bulging fake breasts that were accentuated by her low-cut dress. I couldn’t recall her name, but I did realize her purpose. This must’ve been Melania’s doing. She will have so much fun with her, but it’s a shame this poor girl doesn’t know it yet.
As I walk through the rushing throng of interns and campaign workers, I start focusing on the importance of my victory speech and the American people. Since I already made America great again, I wonder what else I can offer for the racist white Americans that I scammed in my first election. Just to make them feel at ease.