Trump’s Tweets, Clarified
Finally, we may find out what “covfefe” means
Twitter still doesn’t let us tweeters edit our tweets, which I take as proof that they don’t want us to be happy. For anyone who considers themselves good at Twitter but prone to ocassional spelling errors, this is a source of great frustration. Fortunately, Twitter has announced recently that they’re considering a Clarification feature. With this, the author (are we calling Twitter users authors now?) of the original tweet can add a comment that must be retweeted with the original tweet. The idea is that someone can’t go viral for being offensive without everyone also seeing their apology, which seems like overkill because there’s already an insanely good Twitter account devoted to Lena Dunham’s apologies.
Of course, the clarification can be used for more than just offensive tweets. Some Twitter users, while mostly offensive, also just…don’t make sense. No one immediately comes to mind—oh, wait, yes, the man conducting our domestic and foreign policy on Twitter.
We imagine Trump will make great use of the Clarification feature, and here we take a stab at what some of his clarifications of past tweets might be.
September 11, 2013
Clarification: Sorry, didn’t realize September 11 was a national tragedy — I was referencing the cancelation of The Apprentice.
October 16, 2014
Clarification: I’m single-ish. Date me instead! I swear my wife wouldn’t mind. I swear.
July 3, 2015
Clarification: I know the word is “insecure,” but that’s also the name of a show I don’t want to give free publicity to for…racial reasons.
December 26, 2015
Clarification: She should just keep him locked up, as I do with my wife!
December 17, 2016
Clarification: A lot of people are saying “unpresidented” isn’t a word, but what typo of president do you think I am?!
January 21, 2017
Clarification: I am lukewarm to serve you —“honer” is too strong a word.
February 6, 2017
Clarification: Sorry, women want extreme petting.
February 9, 2017
Clarification: Food court, that is.
January 2, 2018
Clarification: My nuclear button works! But my other button also works. #BuyViagra
January 6, 2018
Clarification: And my third-biggest asset is the money my father gave me, which is, like, actually my first-biggest asset.
February 27, 2018
Clarification: My bad, snorted too much Adderall this morning.
March 22, 2018
Clarification: And yes, this would be an example of what threatening people looks like.
May 3, 2018
Clarification: “Role” vs. “roll” is honestly hard—give me a brake.
June 27, 2018
Clarification: Oops, caps lock got stuck!
December 10, 2018
Clarification: Smooking*—sorry, sorry, sorry.
January 20, 2019
Clarification: I should add that I relate to you! Because I don’t get paid as much as I want to, and I hate my job!
May 31, 2017
Clarification: It’s tremendously obvious what this means.
