Yoga Bum!
A future history of the Sit-Lie ordinance
[Editor’s note: The Sit-Lie Ordinance is a San Francisco law that made it illegal to sit or lie on the sidewalk for 10 minutes, essentially criminalizing homelessness.]
Week One
Under the weight of popular demand, San Francisco’s “Sit-Lie Law” is in effect. The mayor says the law will help neighborhoods “embrace gentrification.”
The ordinance has been seen to be a resounding success. All the homeless people have moved out, except the one with the yoga mat, who has circumnavigated the new law by sleeping in the One-Legged King Pigeon pose.
After a thorough inspection, the mayor agrees that the transient gentleman is technically neither sitting nor lying and therefore will not be asked to move on.
Week Two
The mayor has refused to make an amendment to the law to cater to those who are adopting yogic stances somewhere between sitting and lying, explaining that “It’s not called the Sit-Lie-One-Legged-King-Pigeon Ordinance, is it?”
When questioned about the man, the manager at the Glow Yoga & Wellness Fellowship down the street claimed that there’s “no way he is holding the One-Legged Pigeon all night” and that he is “probably on bath salts or something.”
Week Three
In an unexpected turn of events, the mayor has embraced the plight of the sole remaining homeless man in the neighborhood. With the KTVU morning news crew at hand, he stopped by on his way to City Hall to shake the man’s hand. The homeless man somehow maintained the really quite tricky pose throughout.
Due to the success of a local petition, the homeless man with the yoga mat is now officially a neighborhood treasure and cannot be moved on, even if he decides to lie down.
The homeless man has started performing more advanced yoga routines on his mat. The Glow Yoga & Wellness Fellowship has voiced concerns that he is trivializing the ancient pursuit, and that associations between hobos and yoga will only reduce new memberships at the Fellowship.
Week Four
#yogabum, as he is now known, is drawing crowds.
After complaints from new homeowners in the neighborhood that the rate of gentrification is below what was promised, the mayor has initiated a Selective Leaf Sweeping ordinance.
Only leaves colored between yellow ochre and burnt amber on the Pantone color chart can remain on the sidewalk. Also, mushy leaves will absolutely not be tolerated, because they are gross. The mayor claims the ordinance will help maintain an “attractive and nostalgic autumnal glow to the streetscape.”
To avoid any confusion, color charts showing which leaves may remain on the sidewalk have been nailed to all the trees in the neighborhood.
Week Five
The Selective Leaf Sweeping initiative has been happily embraced by the neighborhood, or Business Improvement District, as it is now officially known.
Copycat #yogabums have sprung up in the district. A vagabond was spotted performing a Downward Dog near the artisanal gym.
Somebody from the Glow Yoga & Wellness Fellowship confiscated #yogabum’s mat, claiming it was probably theirs anyway.
Week Six
Despite losing his yoga mat, and therefore reverting to a traditional horizontal sleeping position, the community has agreed to let #yogabum stay so long as he contributes by helping sweep up any non-color-compliant leaves from the sidewalk.
#yogabum is now sleeping in a nest of noncompliant singed-chocolate-colored leaves, but he misses his yoga mat.
Without his mat, #yogabum is concerned about his flexibility and can no longer assume the One-Legged King Pigeon pose without some help from generous passersby. He is considering giving up yoga altogether.
Week Seven
Due to the trending of #getyogabumsmatback, #yogabum was invited to appear on the Today Show. Matt Lauer gave him a new yoga mat and a cronut, which he ate immediately.
A grassroots campaign for #yogabum to run for mayor is underway. #yogabum has yet to comment on the speculation.
The #electyogabum campaign is gathering pace. In a preemptively defensive political move, the mayor has welcomed homeless people and all leaves back to the neighborhood.
Original artwork by Aaron A. Alvarez.
